Letter from the past
by Elebridith
Summary: Rory deals with left over feelings for Jess - but it's not as easy as it looks. They start writing letters to each other... Will they find each other again? Chapter 7 is up - please read and review!
1. Nothing really ends

Note: all that's mine is part of the storyline, the rest I borrowed !

**Chapter 1 – Nothing really ends**

_In a strange, dark bedroom he sat, alone, in a corner. One leg stretched, the other bend so that his head could rest on his knee. He was staring out of the window but you could tell he really didn't see anything. He was sad, I saw it from the way he behaved, I felt it. Something happened, something changed… I didn't know what it was. I wanted to find out, I hated this feeling of distance between us. I knew he wasn't exactly the talkative type but I was hoping he trusted me enough to let me watch into his soul. I entered the room and went to sit by his side. Softly he lay down his head on my shoulder. I took his hand and punched it a little. I could feel his rough skin, rough from working. It was a real manly hand, strong, a little rough but comforting at the same time. 'What's going on with you, you sad boy?' I whispered in his ear. He didn't respond. After a while he turned his face to mine, looked me deep in the eye and started kissing me with soft, slightly wet lips. This gesture meant a lot to me, it meant that he still liked me, that he still wanted to be with me and in a way, it was meant as comfort. After a while our kisses became more heated, more passionate, wilder… his hand moved up my blouse. We breathed faster and faster. I felt how I got aroused by his lips, his tongue, his touches, his body pressed to mine. Where his fingers had been, he left burning marks. I definitely liked this! But when he started to undress me, I stopped him. I wanted it, but not now, not here, not to solve a fight. He immediately stood up and yelled at me with an angry voice 'Oh come on Rory! We are dating for months, we are ready!'. His eyes were wide open and looked cold at me. I panicked. 'Well Jess, you didn't really think it was going to happen here, did you? In a strange house, in a strange room, in the dark…' My voice was shrill, tears were in my eyes. 'I wasn't really thinking' he said coldly. I could hear the suppressed anger in his voice. I knew him so well and yet I didn't at all. 'No I guess you weren't' I told him equally cold. He left… he let me sitting there by myself, unsure what to do. He didn't want me to follow him and all I could think of was run after him, jump into his arms and never let go…'_

With a sigh and the desire from the dream still inside me, I woke up. Laying on my back, my arms by my side I stared into the darkness of my dorm room. This wasn't the first time I had this dream. I hated to be reminded of that moment, of that whole relationship as a matter of fact. It ended, not by my choice, but it was over. At least, I thought it was. Why was I still dreaming about him if it was over? Why did I keep returning to that moment? I wasn't a virgin anymore, Dean took care of that. It was a beautiful moment, at the time. Now that I thought back, I wasn't so sure. I don't regret it but a lot of wrong things happened after that first time with Dean and when I'm truly honest with myself I didn't really love him anymore. Not even at the time we did it. I just thought I loved him. I must have been frustrated and very lonely and he was just always there to keep me company. It was a left-over from the past, mixed with a big hole in my heart. A hole that Jess left, a wound I thought was healed. Maybe it's time that I start to see that the wound isn't healed at all. I'm never going to forgive Jess that he just left, without saying goodbye, without telling me anything. I'm worth more than that and he knows that. I know he tried to call me, but he couldn't tell me.

And then he came back, just when I thought I was over him, he was back to pick up his long lost love: his car. When I thought of that moment I still feel the hurt of seeing him back, running away from him, from the pain, from the left feelings. And than he had to say that he loved me. God! Why couldn't he leave me alone! Angrily I turned on my right side, now facing my room. I was just still, I wasn't really thinking about something, I was just lying there, allowing myself to feel whatever I felt like at that moment. A couple of hours past, the sun began to rise, birds started to sing. Since I couldn't sleep anymore and the strange mood I was in, I decided to go for a walk. I put on my new jeans and a nice green t-shirt and a jacket. I combed my hair, took my cell phone and keys, put on my Nikes and went. It was nice to walk around Yale without being disturbed by loud students. It was a beautiful, not so warm day at the beginning of spring. The trees were still bare, but you could see a leaf appearing here and there. The sky was blue and had some cute white little clouds, the sun gave the scenery a certain glow. Although I wasn't a morning person at all, I really enjoyed the view, the air, the loneliness of it all. I came to rest while my feet kept on walking. I went back to my dorm when the first students started appearing on campus. Paris was already up. 'Good morning Rory. Where have you been? Have you seen my notes? I lost my notes! I need my notes to go to class! Where are my notes Rory?' I heard her talk but it really didn't sink in. Absently I answered Paris that I didn't know where her notes were. I went to my room, shut the door and sank down on my bed. I took my cell and called… 'Hi sweets, how's it hanging'?


	2. Californication

A/N: I forgot to mention, the title of the first chapter is the title of a song by dEus, a Belgian band  
Disclaimer: I'm just trying to write a story, I don't make any money out of it, so please, don't ask me any!

**Chapter 2 – Californication**

'I'm off!' yelled Jess. He took his coat from the hook. He already had the door knob in his hand when he heard someone yell. 'Stop! Wait a minute. I got something for you.' His boss, Mr. Wilson, came running after him. With all his fat, this wasn't easy for him. With a red head and slightly out of breath he handed Jess an envelope. 'To take your girl out this weekend' he winked. Jess took the envelope, gave him a half smile, nodded his head and said: 'See you on Monday. Have a nice weekend Mr. Wilson.' 'You too son, you too.' the old man said, with a bit of affection written all over his face. Jess went through the door and when he was outside, he turned en put up his hand. Mr. Wilson, standing behind the glass of his diner, put up his hand too. Over the years, Jess got attached to the old man. He was very reasonable, not that stupid and had had a lot of patience with him. He had nobody, was never married, had occasionally a girlfriend but it always went wrong, because the diner came first. Jess turned and walked away, into the sunlight.

While walking through the small streets that led to the shopping area where he was to meet his girl, Anna, he looked into the envelope. He knew what it was: his share of the tips they received plus some extra money when he had worked more or when he did something for Wilson. He did not do bad this week apparently. But he really wasn't going to spend it on Anna. She just wasn't worth that.

Anna was blond, thin, thought she knew something about fashion and her hobby was 'star spotting'. But she was fun, and that's all he wanted: no trouble, no difficult moms who protected her daughter like a tiger from all the bad in the world, no grandparents, no money, no college – just plain fun. He saw her leaning against the wall of a house, reading some girl magazine. Her hair was straight with some butterfly pins in it, she wore a jeans miniskirt, a pink T-shirt and pumps. From the moment she saw him, she started running in his direction. 'O help', Jess thought, this is so embarrassing'. 'Hi Jess!' she yelled, waving her hand, like he didn't see her already. She flew him around the neck, hugged him almost dead – if you wouldn't know any better they hadn't seen each other for months or years while it had been ten hours. Jess got himself out of her arms, took her hand and kissed her. She giggles when he stopped. O God, she was so immature. 'Guess who I saw today?' She looked at him with big brown eyes. They're actually pretty eyes, Jess thought, but the effect was ruined by her make-up: too much too often. 'Who?' he said. He didn't really care, but you can't argue with women, so he played along with her little game. 'Oh come on, Jess' she poked. 'What?' he said irritated 'I did ask you 'who' didn't I?' The look in his eyes darkened and he started walking, up the boulevard. She came running after him. 'It was James Travolta.' They talked while they walked, Jess with big, angry steps, she with quick, little steps, trying to keep up with him. Her high-heeled shoes didn't allow her to make very big steps. Jess stopped and turned to her: 'It's John Travolta, Anna, JOHN Travolta. Gosh, don't you know anything?' He started walking again, she keeps standing 'Hey! You don't have to be rude to me! I don't deserve that you know,' she yells after him. 'And I don't have to take it from you!' Jess stopped, turned around and said: 'Then don't! See ya.' With a little move from his right hand, he turned around, started walking and didn't look back. Somewhere after his back he heard her yelling: 'It's over jess! You know? I don't ever want to see you again.' Like he cared…

The sun started setting. He decided to take a walk on the beach to get home. Another failed relationship. It wasn't a real relationship of course. He only had one of those. 'No, don't go there!', he ordered his brain but like always when you desperately don't want to think about something, you can't get it out of your head. He reached the water line and he took off his socks and shoes. He started walking, letting footprints behind him in the wet sand. Rory… how much was she on his mind? More than he liked to admit, that's for sure. Thinking about her hurts him. The first girl he ever loved and ever cared for losing… and he lost her, due to his own doing. He still can't explain why he didn't tell her in the bus, why he couldn't explain it to her over the phone, why he didn't even wrote her a card. Maybe because it would have made things too real, maybe because he knew that he than had to make a decision, a decision he didn't want to take. A decision that was made for him by her when she was left no other choice. He always had had difficulty with saying goodbye's making things definite. He stood still and stared at the see and the glowing ball also known as the sun. 'I wish it ended differently,' Jess thought but then he corrected himself: actually he didn't want it to end at all. But what did he expect, really? A smart, beautiful girl, with deep blue eyes, which gave him the shivers and long dark hair that he used to curl around his finger – of course she wasn't going to wait for him. She deserved better than that. He knew that, she knew that, her mom, Luke, Lane, the whole freakin' town knew that. He knew that her hair was short now - or maybe it had grown already a little? He knew that because he had seen her last year, when his car was found back. He told her than he loved her. A difficult task since she kept running away from him, literally. He just thought she ought to know. She didn't response and he didn't really expect her to. He really couldn't expect her to wait for him when he left for the other end of the end of the country without even saying goodbye now could he? He sighed. And then when he asked her to go away over the summer she refused. He wondered if she should've refused if Dean wouldn't have been there to 'rescue' her. She seemed confused, he remembered but he gave it up a long time ago to read too much into that. He was pretty sure she didn't want him in her life anymore otherwise he would have heard. After all he did lay the ball at her side. He couldn't blame her though. He didn't exactly do it right, did he?  
With sadness in his heart and the feeling there was a big hole in his stomach area he slowly walked home.

At home he didn't say much, but neither his father, Sasha or Lily cared since he never said much. After dinner he and Sasha did the dishes. She tried to have a conversation with him. 'Anna called today' she said. Her voice was careless but Jess knew better. She looked at him but he avoided her look and kept wiping. 'She sounded sad' she tried again. Jess didn't respond. 'Are you going to call her back?' 'Nope' he answered reluctantly. 'Why not?' her voice sounded disappointed. He kept silence. 'C'mon', she insisted, 'Why not?' 'Because she's stupid and not as much fun as I thought she would be'. He put away the last dishes and went to his room. He didn't want to talk about Anna and he hated how Sasha was trying to be all affective. Unfortunately he hadn't a room of his own, which became clear when Lily entered after her TV-show to do her homework. She put on some lame boys band, took some books and went to her desk. 'Lil, would you please turn that down? I'm trying to read.' 'You're always reading and I have to study. Some of us do their homework you know.' the girl answered brutally. Jess ignored the hidden message in her words. 'Fine!' Jess stepped out of his bed and decided to go for a run. He changed his clothes and put on his running shoes. Just as he smacked the door behind him, he heard Sasha call his name. 'Later!' he screamed and he started running. After a long exhausting run, his mind was finally clear. He hadn't felt this good in a long time. He did some stretches and walked home. When he got to the house everyone already went to bed. He entered and saw an envelope lying on the table with a note upon it. 'Jess, this came for you in the mail. I wanted it to give you before, but you just went of running. Sweet dreams. Sasha' It was unnecessary to look for the sender, he would recognise this handwriting anywhere. His heart skipped a beat and his stomach rotated inside. He went to the bathroom and threw some water over his face. His heart beat like an idiot. He undressed, brushed his teeth and took a last look in the mirror. A pale serious face looked back. He went back to the living room and took the letter. He noticed that his hands were shaking. He went to the room he shared with Lily, put on his reading light and nestled in his bed. He watched the envelope. There it was – a sign from her. Nervous, his heart beating in his throat, he opened the envelope. He took out the letter, which he caressed softly. He felt like he was doing something sacred. He took a deep breath and started reading.

A/N: The title of this chapter is from a song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The song is called –surprise surprise- californication from the album, you'll never guess… californication!

Plus, I ha difficulty finding the right angle to write this but I really wanted it in the story. I hope it doesn't suck too bad…


	3. A little less conversation

A/N: this chapters title comes from an Elvis song

Disclaimer: mine: this storyline, not mine: persons, places, names, other storylines

**Chapter 3 – A little less conversation, a little more action**

I was driving, but I didn't really realize that. The world looked like a blur to me. When I got home, my mom was waiting for me. She made coffee and had bought some apple pie. I felt like a zombie. I didn't really know why I was so upset about that dream. It wasn't the first time I've had it. Waking up out of my trance I saw my mom staring at me, she was waiting for something. I realised she must have been talking to me. But I had no idea what she talked about…

I took a deep breath, shook my head and said: 'Oh I'm sorry mom'. My voice sounded a little weird. 'I wasn't listening. I… I really don't feel well, that dream really upset me.' A silence fell after I spoke those words. I saw the coffee damping in those familiar coffee cups.

'What dream? On the phone you just said you wanted to talk… are you OK?' Lorelai bended towards her daughter, who looked very small and vulnerable. She saw tears standing in her eyes. Getting really worried, Lorelai put her arm around Rory and said softly: 'Babe, what is it? Enlighten your mommy who is getting very worried!'

I snuffed a bit and started talking about my dream and how I had had it before but never had that effect on her… My mom listened. She didn't know all this was going on inside her little girl's brain.

But Lorelai didn't just listen. She remembered how Rory had dealt with Jess leaving: by studying more than ever. And than they left for Europe, they had fun, they saw a lot of new things, different things… she thought Rory was just to busy to think about him and that it would all go away, magically, like a sweep of Harry Potter's wand. She realized she was wrong all the way, that he wasn't just a boyfriend, he had been her soul mate and that Rory hadn't dealt with it at all, she just ignored it.

After I had done the story about last night, I drank some coffee. Mom sat in silence besides my. I could feel the questions burning on my mothers lips. I was just glad she didn't ask them right away. After a piece of pie and more coffee, my mom broke the silence. 'Eh… you said you had these dreams before, but that they never affected you… do you know why?' I thought I felt my heart skip a beat. I thought I knew why… but I didn't really look forward to tell my mom all this. She wasn't always as understanding about Jess… but I decided I kept a lot of things and this in particular long enough from her, so I started telling about last summer, how he had come to Yale… Her reaction was exactly as I predicted: 'He was at your dorm? Can't he leave you alone for just a minute?' I didn't have the energy to fight this argument, I just said in a lifeless voice: 'He wanted to do a trip with me over the summer. I told him to go away, that I didn't want that.'

Lorelai knew she had crossed a line. Although she just realised what he had meant to her sweetheart she still couldn't repress her instinctive reaction. She waited a couple of seconds and than she asked in a calm voice: 'Why did he think you wanted to go with him on a trip after he hadn't seen you all year?' Immediately she saw that her question wasn't as neutral as she meant it. She had never seen her daughter, who had always been a bad liar, look more guilty.

'Well, I saw him when he was here to pick up his car. Although I tried really hard to avoid him, but I kept running into him… and away from him. Each time I saw him, I just went off. I couldn't be near him, not after everything I thought we had, after what he did to me, not after… ' she hesitated … 'not after I said to him I might have loved him'

Lorelai was stunned. Why didn't she know any of this stuff? But she didn't fell angry anymore towards Rory for not telling, she felt bad for her. 'Oh honey! I didn't know that… 'When did you tell him that?' 'You remember, at graduation, how I got al this phone calls but nobody answered?' I asked her. She nodded. 'It was him. He never said anything but I just knew. And at graduation, right after I got my diploma, he called again and I walked away and I said all the things to him that had been on my mind ever since he left. How he handled things wrong, how he hadn't treated me like I should be treated and that I may have loved him but that it was all over now. And then last year, he was back to pick up his car and I kept running away from him. And once he came running after me, because he had to tell me something. I screamed that I didn't want to hear it, that I wanted to be left alone, that he just get the hell out of here and never come back. And then he told me that he loved me too.' Again, a pause fell. 'And than he left again!' I yelled. 'I don't understand, how can you tell that and than go away, to never send a letter or a card of an e-mail?' I started crying when I said that. My mom took me in her arms and let me cry.

We got ourselves another piece of Luke's apple pie and some coffee. My mom felt really sorry for me, I could tell by the look on her face. But I also noticed that she wanted to say a whole bunch of things and I was pretty sure that it wasn't going to be very pleasant.

'When did he show up at your dorm?' The question was calmly asked and took me by surprise. 'eh, right after the wedding. I guess we have a thing with weddings.' I smiled a little, I saw my mom did too. For the first time since the dream I felt a little clarity in my head. 'Dean' … I hesitated again… 'Dean was there too.' 'Why was he there?' Again, the calmness and understanding of her voice took me by surprise. 'He… eh.. he came to save me from a horrible date. We talked a lot those days, but we were just friends. It was a couple of weeks before it happened.' Clearly avoiding that subject Lorelai asked whether she send both boys away. 'Well Jess said he wanted to talk to me, alone and Dean was like all protective so I send him away. And than he asked me to leave with him, that I could depend on him now…' My voice fell silence. I felt like I couldn't speak anymore. My mom, very subtle, asked if he said anything else. That gave me the strength to tell the rest. 'He said that he knew we belonged together. That he had known that ever since he saw me and that he knew I felt the same way. I just kept saying 'no' to him. I just couldn't believe that he was there, that he demanded such a forgiveness of me, that he expected that in absence of a whole year, we could just pick up where we left. He wanted to be me with me, but not in Stars Hollow. I… I really didn't know what to do, so I kept saying 'no'. And than he said: 'Stop saying 'no' unless you really don't want to be with me.' He looked me right in the eye, I looked back and for the last time I answered him 'no'.

'Was that really what you wanted?' Lorelai asked. 'I don't know… I just couldn't pick it up as if nothing happened. I wanted him to know that he just couldn't leave me and expect I would be there, waiting for him. He didn't really do that either.' I answered.

'How do you feel about him now? Have you still feelings for him?'

'I really don't know. I don't really think so, I just think it's not quite out of my system…'

'Than get it out of your system hon, because it's tearing you apart. And not only don't I like it seeing you that way, it is also very unhealthy. Mentally I mean, because… everything in life needs closure. People die, things break, relationships end… and eventually you need to move on. You only get one shot, don't blow it over a guy.'

'He was not just a guy, Mom.' '

I know dear, but still, it needs closure.'

'How do I do that?'

'That's for you to find out. Everybody's different and every relationship is different. Maybe you have to write him some letters you'll never send. Or maybe you do send them. Or you collect everything you can find, remember the bad and the good stuff and than try to let go… you'll have to find something that suits you and this particular relationship…OK?'

'Yeah, thanks Mom. Thanks for listening and all… I mean, you never really liked Jess and so… '

'That doesn't mean I don't want to know kiddo… I want to know everything about you, I want to know what you think, what you feel, why you feel it and who made you feel that way. Than I can go beat him up!'

'Mom!' A smile appeared on my face. It felt liberating. 'Love you Mom.' I stood up and started walking to my room.

'Love you to honey…' I stopped and turned around. 'And eh, I understand that you don't want to tell me everything and sometimes I really don't know the details, but ehm, would you please keep me posted on your major life events? I really didn't know this was going on inside you…'

'Yeah, sorry 'bout that… I will never do it again! I promise mommy dearest!' I said in the most childish voice I could think of. With again a little smile on my face I entered my room. I still love walking and being into my room. It was still my room, here I felt the safest, the most at home. I sank down on my bed and pulled a pillow against my stomach, still thinking about what mom had said about closure. A letter… I remembered a certain letter I had written. I didn't have to search long. The envelop was already closed but it has no address on it… yet. You never knew who would find it… I had already written a goodbye-letter, but I never sent it, I didn't have the guts. But now I thought: 'why not'?


	4. Where do I start?

A/N: The title is from a song by the Chemical Brothers  
Disclaimer: I didn't steal anything, I just borrowed… !

**Chapter 4: Where do I start?**

_Dear Jess_

_Yes, you are still dear to me. God only knows why. And I don't even believe in God._

_I'm in Europe now. Very far from home and very far from you. I don't even know if that's a good thing._

_I know I said I was going to move on, but clearly I haven't. I can't help it, I think about you, I dream about you and I picture myself wandering around these old towns, eating even crazier food, having fun. But we're not having fun, because you ran away (again), because you didn't talk to me (again), because you handled it wrong (AGAIN)._

_Yes I'm angry. Do you blame me? I've never been angry with you. Or at least, not in your face. But you deserved it, you did and you still do. I just don't understand. Hey, everybody fucks up every once and a while, you have to learn, you have to grow… nothing new here, it's been going on for a couple of million years. Why, just why didn't you call me? Or actually, you did, but you didn't say anything. So let me rephrase: why didn't you ever talk to me? Actually, that's not true either. We talked for hours… about music, about politics, about books, about movies… but never, NEVER was it about you. Why not? You must have had problems. Yeah, duh, you ran away from them, you ran away from me! Why did you have to run away from me too? Why didn't you trust me? Why? Just tell me why…_

_I sound pathetic. Look at me, is that the person you've known? The person you fell in love with? DID you even fall in love with me? I really do wonder Jess, because people don't abandon persons they love, no they TELL them things, they can count on each other! I couldn't count on you, could I? How many Saturdays have I spent on the couch, by the phone, waiting for you to call? I knew you weren't that kinda guy and I don't want to be that kinda girl. Still I thought I was special enough to call and that you were special enough to wait for. Thanks for appreciating that._

_What did change exactly? One day we're planning to go to prom, we argue about movies and whether we should eat pizza of Chinese, you 'yahood' how far Yale was from Stars Hollow… and the next you almost force me to have sex with you, you fight and than you disappear. Why do you always have to disappear? Do you like it that much that people just don't know where you are? I really think you do, because what else did you needed me for than company, friendship, love, affection?_

_And why did you keep calling me, when you had nothing to say? Why couldn't you even then, weeks later, lots of land between us, talk to me over the phone? Over the freakin' phone? You didn't see me, you couldn't feel me, you couldn't hear me breathe and yet, even the impersonality of a phone call couldn't get you to at least say 'hi'. Thank you very much!_

_This makes no sense…I should be over you, you don't deserve me. Than, why does it still hurt? Why? Why can't I get you out of my head? Why do I sometimes long to be with you? Why Jess, why? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you leave? Why didn't you trust me? Why? Why why why why why? WHY?_

_You'll probably never read this. I don't even know where you are, why you went there and why you're not coming back. Wasn't I important enough to know that stuff?I was your girlfriend! Do you know what that even means? The concept 'girlfriend boyfriend'. Do you even know what love is? Have you ever loved Jess… well I have and it sucks if it falls apart. Let me tell you that! I loved you, stupid girl I was… and am because, unbelievingly I still do love you._

_God, I wish I didn't feel that pain anymore… do you know how it hurts when someone you love just leaves, without goodbye, a note, a card, a phone call… yes you did call, but what was the point, you never said anything…_

_Ugh I'm starting to repeat myself…_

_Bye_

Jess read the letter over and over again. Her words cut in his heart, he could feel her pain trough her words. The words were real, strong, not covered up by politeness. They were agents of her emotions at that time. He realized though this was an old letter (it had no date, but it must have been a year and a half ago) and still, it felt so real, so close… like it didn't happen a long time ago at all. He didn't really know what to think: why did she send him this? Was it possible that by saying that he loved her and by asking her to leave with him, he had loosened some emotions? Did she still deal with feelings for him? Or did she find this and mailed it to him to see ho he could react? Or just to let him see how much he hurted her? Would she be that cruel?

He didn't sleep all night. By the time the sun rose, birds started whistling he knew the letter by heart. The room suddenly felt too small, he had to get out. So he put on his clothes, left a note so that they at least knew he had been home (didn't he say people could count on him now?). His feet carried him automatically to the beach. That has been a popular place to be lately. He walked to the water line, put off his shoes, put his hands in his pockets and stared a little into the distance. 'Why' she asked in her letter… well, he could ask the same thing. Why the hell did she send him that letter? And what should he do with it? In spite of her hurting words, he felt hope. Was it a sign that she still wanted to see him, that she wanted to hear from him?

He probably shouldn't get his hope up, most certainly it was the last faze in a dealing process… suddenly he felt really energetic, so he started running along the coastline. It was the only way to stop the never ending whirl of questions and thoughts.

* * *

PS I know I hadn't updated a long time, so now you get two for the price of one (or something like that) 

Please review!


	5. Stuck in a moment

_Disclaimer_: I just used it to tell a story, so don't make me pay!

**Chapter 5 – Stuck in a moment**

Out of breath, Jess arrived at the diner for work. Mr Wilson saw automatically that there was something wrong: his eyes were red, his hair looked like it had to endure a tornado. Wisely he decided not to make a comment immediately. He knew his boy and besides, it was busy at this hour. Hard work would probably do him good. If things slowed down, he probably would tell him anyway.  
A couple of hours later, his intuition proved him right. Apart from two people the diner was deserted and Jess was really convincingly pretending that he was cleaning invisible spots. He looked a couple of times in the direction of Mr Jones who pretended not to be doing anything in particular. About ten minutes later Jess went to his third father.

'Did you ever get a letter from someone about something that happened a long time ago but is still like an issue for that person?'

'Who's the girl?' Jess was surprised by this answer. Mr Wilson saw it and said: 'don't look so surprised boy. When you're as old as me, and I'm pretty old, than you get to know these kind of things.'

'She's a girl from back… ' Jess hesitated. He almost said 'back home'. Stars Hollow his home? Yeah right! '… a girl from back in Connecticut.'

'I never received such a letter son, but I think it is important that you spend enough attention to it. It must have been some time ago, if she's still dealing with it.. it can't be healthy. What exactly was in that letter?'

Jess didn't answer right away. This question made him feel awkward. It was weird to talk about it with someone. He had never talked about it with someone, except himself. Of course, Mr Wilson wasn't like Sasha, who would ask him because she wanted to know every little detail. No, he asked because he wanted to help him. He took a deep breath and forced himself to over win his awkwardness. 'It was a letter from right after the … eh …incident. It has a lot of questions in it… should I answer them?'

'Do you want to answer them?'

'It's painful for me too you know! But she deserves the answers…'

'Look, you should do what your heart tells you to do. Just keep your history in mind and try not too reply too emotionally. Than both parties will just or get angry or get hurt. I think that can not be the point, right?'

Jess knew he was right. Still he was doubting… she did deserve it, and he really wanted to. She could count on him now, you see? But was he up for the challenge? Was he ready to admit his mistakes to her? Not unusually it was music that brought the answer to his problem. This time was U2 his savior.

I'm not afraid  
Of anything in this world  
There's nothing you can throw at me  
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find  
A decent melody  
A song that I can sing  
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool  
But darling look at you  
You gotta stand up straight  
Carry your own weight  
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together  
You've got stuck in a moment  
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better  
Now you're stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake  
The colors that you bring  
The nights you filled with fireworks  
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted  
By the light you brought to me  
I listen through your ears  
Through your eyes I can see

You've got to get yourself together  
You've got stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now  
You've got yourself stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it

He realised that he had to help Rory to move on. She was stuck and he was the only one that could pull her out, that could give an answer to her questions. It was closing time. He decided that he would write her a letter, to explain it all.

Later that night, he was very rarely alone in his room – Lily went out and play or sleep over or whatever – which put him in the perfect position to write this letter. A letter that could very well mean the end of everything, a letter that closed doors. He put on his favourite music, took the brand new, especially for the occasion bought writing paper out of the plastic bag, took a pen, sat down, stretched his arms, neck, fingers, took a deep breath and started writing.

Many hours later, the house was already in silence, his cd was long ended, he reread his letter to the girl who haunted his dreams. It had been hard to put his thoughts in words, to see what he did standing there black on white. But he was glad he did do it, he felt better too, like a heave weight that fell off his shoulders. It was a good letter he thought. Calm, reasonable, neutral, just an explanation, really…

Suddenly he felt terribly tired. No wonder, he hadn't slept in over forty hours. He turned off the light and fell down in his bed, where he immediately left for dream land. After some ten hour sleep he woke up clear headed. He must have been so tired and slept so deep that he felt a bit like a new born. Immediately in his brain formed the words of that other muse song, a cover really, but fantastically performed: 'it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life… and I'm feeling good.' He actually was feeling good, so good he almost sang. He didn't really know why, sleep can do that to a person, right?

He got out of bed eventually and than he saw the letter. His euphoric mood dropped somewhat. He didn't want to see it anymore. He started looking for an envelop, managed to find one, put the letter in it… and realised he didn't have her address. He knew where she lived but he never knew the street or number. Never came up to ask. He stood there, in the middle of his room, with the envelop in his hands and he staring at it. He could only think of one thing to do: call Luke. He didn't really feel like it. He liked Luke, a bit too caring maybe, but he had always been good to him. But if he asked him this, he would know. Jess didn't anyone to know about this, especially not Luke. Okay, Mr Wilson knew, but that was not the same thing since Mr Wilson lived here and didn't see the blue-eyed object of his affection nearly daily. He would talk him out of it, he would make all sorts of comments. Jess really didn't feel like it.

But he had to send the letter – that was too important. So he made a decision, he would call Luke. After a quick breakfast he went to his regular phone cell and dialed the number of his uncle.

'Hello, Lorelai Gilmore, lady of the house speaking. May I help you please?'

That was certainly something Jess didn't expect. What was Lorelai doing there? Was it a complot or something?

'Lorelai? It's Jess'

A silence fell… Lorelai was pretty blown away with this. Jess… couldn't that punk stay away like forever or something, or live on Mars? He had always been a bit too alien for this world.

'Lorelai? Can I speak with Uncle Luke please?'

Lorelai found her voice and said :' yeah, sure, sorry… it's just.. anyway, … Luke, it's for you!'

she handed over the phone to a freshly showered and shaved Luke. 'yeah?'

'Luke? It's Jess'

'Oh hi, Jess… everything Ok?'

'Ow, eh, yeah I'm fine. Eh... listen I need to ask you a favor.'

'Are you in trouble? Do you need money? You're not in jail are you?'

'Jeez, no! none of it. Thanks for having qo much faith in me.' Jess said angrily.

'Jess… ' Luke sighed. 'I'm sorry, ok? Old habit… so, what do you need?'

'Can you speak freely?'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean what I say … jeez, you're not dement or something are you? Is Lorelai still there?'

Luke thought he knew where this was going, so he decided to give neutral answers. 'Uhu, yes'

'Ow, eh, I need to know something about Rory….'

'Yeah, eh, can I call you back? I really need to go.'

Understanding that his uncle didn't want Lorelai to know what this was all about, he answered: sure uncle Luke. You know the number right. Today I'll be mostly at home. Tomorrow I work from 8 am till 4 pm. After that I'm probably at home as well. Thanks for doing this. Bye'

'Bye'

Luckily, Jess didn't have to wait too long. That night Luke called back. He gave Jess the address of Rory's dorm which was smart, because he would have sent it to her home, where Lorelai is and curious as she is he wasn't very certain the letter secret wouldn't be violated. They talked a little, about the diner and about Lorelai. Jess was surprised to hear that they were dating since the wedding. Although, he thought afterwards, I should've seen it coming. 'It was nice to talk to Luke', Jess thought, right before he fell asleep. 'Maybe I should call him more often'.

-

**Note**: a lot of songs in this chapter:

U2 – Stuck in a moment (you can't get out of)

Danny Tenaglia – Music is the answer

Lenny Kravitz – Stillness of heart

Semisonic – Closing time

Muse – New Born, Feeling good


	6. Stillness of heart

Thanks to the readers of this story and your reviews: it really motivates me. 

Disclaimer: Do you really think I would write stories and publish it all over the internet if I good make good money out of it? Didn't think so!

Note: The title of this chapter belongs to a song of the sexy Lenny Kravitz!

**Chapter 6 – Stillness of heart**

Although I would never admit it, I had been anxious to know if there would come any kind of reaction to my letter. After a couple of weeks I indeed received a response. A letter. Handwritten. I was holding it in my hands, while sitting on a bench under a tree at Yale. I know I should open it but I also was a little afraid for what might be in it. After staring a couple of more minutes, I inhaled deeply and opened the envelop. It wasn't really a surprise, a couple of days before I knew from mom that Jess called Luke and what else should he be calling for, except her address?

There it was, a letter from Jess… I would recognise his handwriting everywhere. My hands were shaking as I started reading. 'Hi Rory…' I felt like I couldn't breathe. This was ridiculous, it was only my name! It was just a letter. I forced myself to read along.

_Hi Rory_

_I don't usually write letters but I guess this is an exception. It's weird too… I mean your letter was written over a year and a half ago while I have to answer now, with all that time, distance and history between us. These letter doesn't come from pain or a broken heart, but from my fully conscious mind. I've never written you a letter and now I have to, in some strange circumstances but I get that it is important to you so that you can find 'stillness of heart, so I can start to find my way out of the dark'._

I couldn't help smiling. Lenny Kravitz had been a sore point in our discussions about music… I read further.

_I indeed deserve you being mad at me, and I probably deserved it all those times you were supposed to get mad but you didn't. And no I don't blame you for it. I mad at me too for doing those things to you. I admit it: I didn't treat you right, in fact there were more things I did wrong than I did right. I know that now – and I'm really sorry about it all. I'm sorry I hurt you, I truly am. You have no idea… _

In your letter you ask me like a million times 'why'. A good question but also a tough question. Do I really know why? I don't… but there are always rationalisations that retrospectively explain our behavior. Why didn't I speak when I called you? Why we never talked about what's inside me? Why I ran away? Why I didn't tell you about my problems? Why I didn't trust you? Actually, that's not true: I did trust you, but more importantly I wanted to do good and be right for you… and in trying to achieve that I did all the wrong things. One could say my intentions were good, but my actions weren't… it's no excuse, I know, but it's an explanation.

_In short the problem was that I failed you. I failed you a lot I guess, but never ever did I feel so small..., so bad…, so inferior as I did then. I was not graduating because I worked too much. I ignored the warnings the school sent me so that I was too many days absent from school, so that I couldn't catch up in summer school. I should have redone the whole year. I found out at the day of Kyle's party, that's why I was so sad. I felt ashamed and stupid, because you were graduating and because I couldn't take you to your prom. And then my dad came along. He didn't say anything and the next day he was gone. Because I let you down and Luke had made it clear that I couldn't live there when I didn't graduate, I decided to follow him. I guess he was the easy way out. _

_I remember I saw you on the bus the day I left but I didn't have the heart to tell you. If I had told you, the hurt in your eyes would have killed me. If you had asked me to stay, I would have._

I couldn't help thinking: If he wanted to stay, if he would have stayed because I asked him than why didn't he just stay? I didn't know any of the things above, but I'm certain that if he told me, things would've been different.

_I decided to tell you over the phone, so there was some distance. I thought that if I didn't see you things would be easier. But they weren't. I just couldn't force myself to tell you all this and then, after that last time at your graduation, I just stopped calling because I figured you'd want the rest. _

_Running away is a very familiar coping strategy. It's easy too… another world, other people who don't know who you are, who don't treat you differently, who don't ask you questions you want to avoid. It's a bit like starting over too. Unfortunately I have a talent for fucking things up, so… I have to keep running because I keep making mistakes. _

I hope you had a nice time in Europe – some day I want to go there too – but who doesn't?

Stay in school!

Jess

PS I didn't get a basketball in my eye, I got beaked by a swan – Luke never had so much fun in his life!

I had to smile again. So that was what it was all about… and all I cared about was if he and Dean had gotten into a fight over me. Dean… I really couldn't let go apparently. Sounds familiar too.

I sat still for a while. I didn't exactly know what to expect if I got a letter, but I was certainly not expecting this! The tone in this letter was calm, almost soft and open. This was not what I was used to from Jess. So I guess he really did change…

Slowly I put the letter back in the envelope and started to walk around a little bit. The biggest questions were answered now. I felt relieved, in a strange way. But not quite satisfied actually… I couldn't really figure out why… As I was walking a lot more of thoughts and memories kept whirling trough my mind. The remembrance of these made me smile. It had been a beautiful chapter of my life, in spite of all the dark marks…

Suddenly I remembered a sentence from the letter:

'Stay in school'

'Unbelievably', I thought with a light smile around my lips … stay in school, that for him to say! It makes me wonder though… Did he ever graduate? Is he studying? I suppose not… he's smart enough, but of course, he has to want to… I very much wanted to know the answer, so I decided to write another letter… it were just letters right? Maybe we could be friends again…

* * *

PS Sorry that it took me so long. I know I promised that it was going to be posted soon. I had it all in my head so I thought this would be an easy chapter. Turns out it wasn't. I finally got it right, so I hope you like it! Please read and review!

Note: I noticed that I can't update every couple of days, it takes me too long to work it all out (plus I've got stuff to do for school) so I hope that you won't stop reading because of this!


	7. Comfortably numb

New: The chapters will not necessarily be Rory/Jess anymore… it'll just follow the story – just so you guys know!

Note: the title of this chapter is of a song by Pink Floyd, but the version of the Scissor Sisters is way better – check it out!

Disclaimer: do I look like I own anything?

**Chapter 7 – Comfortably numb**

In the week that followed I was very relieved and happy. It was like a heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders. A week or so later, I decided to write a letter back… actually it was the first letter I wrote to him, because that first one was really from the past – I wasn't even sure what was in it anymore… but that didn't matter. My life was brightened up, everything seemed so sunny and nice… it was in this euphoric mood I wrote the letter.

For some reason I wanted the circumstanced in which I'd write the letter to be very nice. So I made sure I was alone at my dorm, lit some candles, with my favourite pizza and some music by Moloko. She was all set now. She went over to her desk, took a pen, a piece of paper and started writing:

_Hi Jess,_

_Well, I'm very happy you responded – it really feels like that chapter of my life is actually finished now. It is so for you too isn't it? I noticed because of the calm and rational tone… it's really good I guess we both moved on… but I must admit: we shared some lovely moments._

Europe was amazing! You really should go there… and I you do, let me know because I can tell you some things you never find in these overpriced guides.  
it's really funny how everything is so close to one another there… just a couple if hours by train takes you to another country… and the architecture is amazing. You really get this feeling of smallness if you walk in the streets with houses that were built in the 1500. Of course they're cleaned up, but you can still see it. It must be great to live there… and the streets are so funny – some are small, some are wide, some are asphalted, others are paved with cobble stones... you never know what to expect. The cities are not as big as we're used to… if you know New York – Paris, London and Amsterdam just seem very small…

_The food is weird… you have like McDonalds and pizzeria's and Chinese food and all, but the real restaurants serve like real food… it was very good… it's really really fun to go to Europe…you should try it too! And you don't have to worry about the languages, they all speak some sort of English… only in Southern Europe there were still a lot of people who didn't understand us – but you know me and my mom, it could've been us too you know. LOL  
Anyhow they were all most helpful, especially the men (hehe) … no really, it's a whole different world… it was wow… it just, don't really know what to tell you about it, there's just so much! _

_What I was wondering… what are you up to these days? You still live in California with your dad? Do you two get along… do you work, you go to school… ? I just wanna know… you know, I want us to be friends, d'you think that's possible? It's just… we can really talk about stuff and I kinda miss that these days… oh well… I just hope you will accept this offer… I feel like I kinda owe you for last year – but I really couldn't come with you – you understand right? I mean, college is the most important thing… and me and impulsive: it never works! _

_But hey, you know that right? _

_Yale is awesome – a lot of work, a lot of stress but it's all worth it – I would like to think that I'm still the same Rory that went to Stars Hollow High – but even Chilton got to me – and Yale has even a much bigger effect on me. It's so cool to walk around these old buildings (kinda feels like being back in Europe again!) and get classes from the most intelligent people in the country. They've really deepened my insight in things… it's amazing (hmmm I apparently use that word a lot these days… LOL). Do you go to college? Oh I've already asked that didn't I? I just.. hmmm well I'm just curious: how are you doing? _

_My mom's still crazy – she has her own inn now – it's really beautiful. When you're in town you should visit one day… do you know that she and Luke are dating? It's amazing… I've never seen my mom so happy actually… I hope they can keep it up, mom deserves it… and Luke certainly too… all this town talk… I guess you don't like it huh? You left it behind for a reason… right? When you're from New York I can imagine it's all stupid and dumb and small… but you have to admit it has something safe about it… it's some place you can hide… although there are disadvantages.. you're always on the spot…_

_Oh well… I should read a bit… take care and read you soon?… bad joke I guess, but my sense of humour is.. well you know best!_

_Rory_

I was very pleased with my letter – humming I put it in an envelop, I wrote the address on it, put a stamp on it and put it on the table so I could post it the next day.

Life's amazing I thought… after changing into my sleeping clothes, I went to bed, took a copy of Emile Zola's Nana and started reading…

The next morning I woke up with the lights still on. The book had fallen out of my hand and some pages were messed up. I hated when that happened: books should be treated right! I tried to fix the most damage and put the book carefully on my desk. When I opened the curtains I was it was a lovely day… the sun is shining, the weather is sweet yeah! Bob Marley was sooo right!

Suddenly I heard the door of my dorm open.

'Coooofffeee' some woman screamed. I realized it could only be one person… 'Mommy! I'm in here'

My mom opened the door with great difficulty. She was holding two giant pugs of coffee and a bag full of donuts. 'Oh yummy' I yelled…

'wow missy, it's early..'

'it's not early, it's 9 am'

'well mommy got up much earlier to provide her favorite daughter with some food so: it's early. Besides you aren't even dressed yet… ok, where can I put this stuff,'

'My desk's the best… I'm going to get dressed ok?' I took my clothes and went to the bathroom.. But it didn't stop our conversation.  
My mom yelled from the other room:

'ok dear, try and look nice today, your mom's here – she deserves to see her kid in the best way possible'

'have you got the 2 pounds make up to make that happen?' I shouted back  
'euh no'  
'well than you can forget it, I will just be me and not Rory Hilton'

'thank god for that!'  
we laughed…

When I was fully dressed mom had put all the stuff on my desk… and she was holding something and staring at it very intensely… she must not have heard me coming because when I said 'mom?' she jumped for like a foot high…

'Rory!' she said… her voice sounded a bit strange…

'What's up mom?' I looked at her and tried to read her body language… she looked very puzzled. Than I saw what she was holding: the letter to Jess.

'oh that!' I was relieved…

'what – what are you saying Rory? This is a letter to Jess!'

'yeah, I know… I wrote it… look, you don't have to worry, it's just.. I did as you told me… to move on. I found a letter that I wrote when we were in Europe and I sent it to him. He answered to all my questions… he was very polite actually and I feel great now. That's just a letter to thank him for the letter and tell some about Europe'.

Lorelai stood very still… 'I can't believe this. I need coffee!' She drank some coffee. There was an uncomfortable silence between us… I didn't really get why she was just making such a big deal out of this… she sighed and finally she spoke again:

'are you going to keep writing him?'

'I don't know – maybe… if he wants that…'

'Oh Rory…'

'Mom! It doesn't mean anything! I just want to be friends again… I miss our conversations… There's no one who knows that much about literature than he does – I can't talk about it and discuss it.. I miss that'. I was getting angry… and so was my mom, she raised her voice

'Rory – you're studying literature at Yale… I would think there were enough people you could talk to'

'well I hardly know any one here!'

Lorelai shook her head… 'You know best I guess…'

'yeah I do' I said in a harsh voice. My mom looked hurt.

'sorry mom, I didn't mean it the way it came out… it's just… I just wanna be friends'

'yeah like when you were 'friends' with Dean!'

I felt like she slapped me in the face – that was so unfair! I had loved Dean – more than once… I still didn't regret that night, although I might not have done it for the right reasons… but still! I couldn't believe my mom had said that… and if I could read her expressions like I thought I could, she didn't quite believe it either… she wanted to say something but I cut her off. 'No it's ok. I get it. All I can say is: I need this, I want this… I haven't got feelings for Jess anymore… I'm in love with someone else. I just, want him in my life… I don't even know if he wants that too, so for all we know – I could never hear from him again.'

Lorelai swallowed… and said: 'Ok… you're a grown up – I should trust you. I'm letting it go…'

She looked at the floor… 'Coffee? It cannot get cold you know'

I tried to smile at her… 'That would be nice'.

* * *

Next – Chapter 8 – Piece of my heart 


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